No, it isn't.

The therapist's chair provides a unique perspective on culture. Our primary task is trying to understand the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of our clients. Over time we start to see patterns, both on an individual and societal level. We see trends, styles, popular sentiment, even lexicon change gradually, one unrelated individual at a time.

Here's a phrase I've heard a lot recently, from all types of people: it is what it is (iiwii for short). The phrase seems harmless enough, but I actually think it can be a bad sign, psychologically. It's a defense mechanism.

We hear it all the time, particularly from athletes on losing teams. As spoken by the coach of the UCLA football team who lost to a horrible Notre Dame squad. USC loses to the Oregon Ducks, same statement. USA Today even named it the 2004 Sports Cliche of the Year. There are t-shirts, blogs, tattoos, even a support group utilizing this phrase. Here's a discussion describing how iiwii has replaced "it's all good" in common parlance. The urban dictionary tries to define it, but none of the definitions quite capture what I see in my office.

The problem is, iiwii is a deceptive statement. The words and tone imply acceptance of the current state of affairs, but the underlying sentiment is frustration and helplessness. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite familiar with irony, cynicism and satire. But that's not what this is. This is a defense mechanism. Not only that, it's the Ebola virus of defense mechanisms: denial.

Let's say I have a client, a man who has been in a miserable marriage for 20 years. Every perceptive muscle I have tells me he feels angry, sad and very stuck. But I ask him how he feels and he drops the iiwii bomb: "I don't know," he says "my marriage is what it is, and that's that." Here is my translation: This situation makes me very upset, but I'm powerless to change it, so I'm trying to push away my feelings and begrudgingly accept my helplessness. I don't want to talk about it anymore. We both know he has strong feelings about it, but iiwii won't let us get there. That's what a defense mechanism is: any mechanism that protects (defends) us from unwanted thoughts, feelings, or drives.

I'm not trying to be grammar police, or take away freedom of speech. I actually don't mind the phrase when used appropriately. I'm just calling out iiwii for what it often is: denial. Normal, healthy emotional processing includes 1) injury 2) feeling the emotion 3) expressing the emotion, then finally 4) acceptance. What I'm seeing is people wanting to leapfrog steps 2 and 3 in order to avoid the pain and get to the acceptance. They hope that shortcut won't hurt as bad.

But you know what? Bypassing the emotion doesn't work. It has to be expressed sometime. Talk to someone who took antidepressants following the death of a loved one. Prozac doesn't eliminate the grief, it just postpones it. Emotions like grief and anger are natural, necessary phases we must experience in order to move on. In order to achieve real acceptance. And what happens when we don't deal with the underlying emotions? Most of mankind's health and relational problems. I'm afraid that's the harsh reality.

How to Forgive

After years of discussing hurt and forgiveness, some things have come into focus. There are four elements necessary for healthy forgiveness:

1. Express the Emotion - Whatever the crime/injustice/violation/slight, the forgiver needs to fully express how it made him feel. Anger, sadness and fear are common responses. By the way, it is ideal if the victim is able to express her emotions to her perpetrator, but not essential.

2. Rebuild Security - In order to forgive, the forgiver needs to feel a reasonable amount of assurance that the violation won't recur. Let's say you step on my toe. In order for me to rebuild security, I'm going to need some verbal commitment from you that you'll try not to step on my toe again, or I need to decide to keep my feet away from yours, etc. Some mechanism needs to be in place to let me know I'm safe again.

3. Understand - The forgiver needs to develop some framework to understand why the violation happened in the first place. Why was my toe stepped on? We're on a crowded train? You're a clumsy dancer? You hate me? Oh, you're drunk, I understand. The brain will search for this reason and can't stop (or forgive) until it has one.

4. Let Go - This is making a conscious decision to drop the grudge and resentment. It's the hardest step for most people. Holding a grudge is a powerful thing - you can get someone to suck up to you for years by lording his misbehavior over him. Letting go means stepping down from the nobility of victimhood, becoming an equal again, and promising not to point back to her infraction every time you're losing an argument. Letting go is not forgetting - most of us can't choose what we remember. It's choosing to return to a place of equal power.

Research shows forgiveness greatly benefits the physical health of the forgiver. Seems that holding a grudge is bad for you.

Feelings 101

It's typical for therapists to ask about feelings. It's also typical for clients to dislike being asked. The truth is, many problems can't be resolved with a shift in thoughts and behaviors alone. Most of the time in order to grow we have to work through feelings.

While it's hip to talk about feelings in our Oprah society, we're not all good at it. A common trick is share a thought masquerading as a feeling. Starting a sentence with "I feel...." doesn't mean you're experiencing or communicating your feelings. I see people do this all the time. Take this couple:

Spouse 1: "I feel that you broke the garbage disposal."

Spouse 2: "I feel like you didn't look at it closely because you don't care."

Spouse 1: "Well, I'm just telling you how I feel."

Not feelings. In fact, any time "I feel..." is followed by "that" or "you" or "like", we're not talking about emotions. Most of the time, those are thoughts, beliefs, or judgements. No, you don't feel that NASA should pursue a mission to Mars. You believe it. It's your opinion. It's a thought, not a feeling.

Feelings can be broken down to some combination or degree of sad, mad, glad or afraid (some experts might also throw in shock, love and/or envy). That's it. Degrees of sad might range from bummed out to devastated, while anger might range from annoyed to enraged. Sometimes feelings combine, creating frustration (sad + mad), bittersweet (sad + glad), etc.

And what makes these feelings, rather than thoughts? Feelings can be felt, actually physically experienced. It might take a little practice, but a simple way to get in touch with real feelings is to become aware of the physical sensations you have in your body. When people experience emotion, their body tends to feel a certain way, unique for everyone. When people are sad they may feel a weight in the chest and shoulders. People feeling angry might report an expansive, explosive sensation in their chest and arms. Fear tends to be a weight in the stomach. Joy is often a light, energized feeling throughout the body. But again, it can be different for anybody.